Humor
It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.
Reportedly said by Mark Twain
Ordinarily, I don’t like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting too. I find myself showing off—which is the idiots version of being interesting.
Harris K. Telemacher
If men couldn’t screw, there’d be a bounty on them.
Debbie Slayton
Smart is when you believe only half of what you hear.
Brilliant is when you know which half to believe.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
Winston Churchill
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.
Moses Hadas
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend…if you have one.
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.
Winston Churchill, in response to Shaw's invitation
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
Stephen Bishop
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
John Bright
I’ve just learned about his illness.
Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
Samuel Johnson
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
Paul Keating
He had delusions of adequacy.
Walter Kerr
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.
Jack E. Leonard
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
Robert Redford
He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
Charles, Count Talleyrand
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Forrest Tucker
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
Mark Twain
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde
He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
Billy Wilder
One cannot, after all, be expected to read every single word of a book whose author one wishes to insult.
Richard Dawkins
You see, for my whole life I have believed, and defended vigorously, the notion that being educated does not preclude one from having common sense. The conventional wisdom is the contrary of course, and I have heard this wisdom expressed often, especially when I was a Marine. “Yeah, he’s book smart,” went the typical conversation, “But that guy can’t find his ass with two hands and a flashlight…couldn’t pour water from his boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
Panda Bear MD
The e-mail response was strong to my brilliant and well informed tirade about Radiohead last week….These e-mails ranged from thoughtful and well-written counterpoints to what I had written, which I certainly didn’t appreciate, to hilarious moron-stew like this:
David Thorpe
And the lyrics can make me wish I didn’t understand English.
Jon Pareles
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
A good friend will help you move. A great friend will help you move a body.
Fark Headline
Leonard: Take me to a bar with women.
Wallowitz: Let me just go inside and slip off my underwear.
Leonard: Why?
Wallowitz: Well if I get lucky I don’t want to be caught in my Aquaman briefs.
Big Bang Theory
I’m CDO, which is OCD with the letters in the proper alphabetical order, as they should be.
I offered her a scotch and sofa
but she preferred a gin and platonic.
Anything worth having is worth cheating for.
W. C. Fields
The only exercise he gets is jumping to conclusions.
fatalism—the belief that everything is controlled by fat.
The worst thing in the world is a drinking companion with a memory.
You’re young!
It’s a fault most people are guilty of some time in their lives.
Isaac Asimov
A fox abused a lioness that she brought forth but one whelp at a time, whereas the fox produced seven.
“True,” confessed the lion, “but when I produce a whelp, it is a lion.”
It’s…
colder than the nipple on a witch’s tit.
colder than a bucket of penguin shit.
colder than the hairs on a polar bear’s ass.
colder than frost on a champaign glass.
I walked out of the subway and found two men mugging an old lady. I thought, “My god, what’s the world coming to. Time was when one man could do that job.”
His apartment was furnished in early nondescript.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
The secret brewing process involves running it through a horse.
Mike Royko of beer
The Ferrari 308 is a flying hard on…my first sexual experience with an automobile.
Paul Williams
I have a system for getting along with my boss. He tells me what to do. And I do it.
If all cars were placed end-to-end it would probably be Labor Day weekend.
Doug Larson
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.
Woody Allen
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it.
Steven Wright
Swallow a toad in the morning if you want to encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.
Nicolas Chamfort
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin (and Jane Wagner)
I had to bury one of the cats in my neighborhood.
It took me about an hour.
The damn thing kept climbing out.
Emperor Joseph II: My dear young man, don’t take it too hard. Your work is ingenious. It’s quality work. And there are simply too many notes, that’s all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.
Mozart: Which few did you have in mind, Majesty?
Amadeus
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain
Q: What is the useless bit at the end of a penis called?
A: A man.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead—Cultural Anthropologist
Spell check is your fiend.
John Scarry
A little Unitarian Universalist girl was sitting on the curb in front of her house with a sad look on her face. An older lady happened upon her and asked her why she looked so sad. The girl replied, “My kitty cat died.”
The older woman, trying to be helpful, said to the little girl, “I know you’re sad, but right now your kitty cat is with Jesus.”
The girl crinkled her nose for a second and replied, “What would Jesus want with a dead cat?”
I spend 80% of my money on airplanes and beer; the rest is wasted.
Douglas R. Ranz
Is breast milk vegan?
The only strong evidence we have that he isn’t a clown is that his car isn’t small enough.
Reality will always win out. [citation needed]
It wasn't as I intended -- promise. No one sets out to make a train wreck. Actually, comparing it to a train wreck isn't really fair to train wrecks, because people actually want to watch those.
J.D. Shapiro about writing the screenplay for Battlefield Earth
She said…, you can't have sex unless you're married. I asked her if she was married. She said yes. So I said, "Great! That means we can have sex!"
J.D. Shapiro
Communications major: What the hell is a palindrome?
Pedant: No, it isn't.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail; but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn… That was fun!”
When I die I want to go like grandpa: peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming like everyone else in the car.
But Don, for all intensive purposes the terms are the same, which begs the question of why you’re complaining. I could care less if a word or phrase has some ancient history. The prescriptivists just want us to tow the line, but by now real-world usage has made this a mute point.
Tulse
If there’s a photo of me doing it with an animal - I’m not saying one exists, I’m just saying, if one surfaces - it’s a fake. Look at the shadow. Why would it be in front of the giraffe if the sun is behind the jeep?
Dan Harmon
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, ‘Actual’. I’m not to scale.
Demitri Martin
My next dog is going to be named Five Miles. That way I can tell everyone “I walked five miles today.”
Dave Guthmiller
Penny: I’ve gotten turned down for jobs plenty of times—even fired a few times.
Dr Horrible: I can’t imagine anybody firing you.
Penny: Neither could I. Now I can visualize it very well.
A good friend will come to your funeral. A great friend will erase your porn collection first.
Two roads diverged in the woods. I took the one less traveled, and had to eat bugs until Park rangers rescued me.
During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Mr. Stevenson "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!" Stevenson called back “That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!”
Adlai Stevenson
People say I overthink things, but I could give you like 50 reasons why they are wrong.
Shawn
We can’t call the Higgs boson the “God Particle” any more, because now we have tangible evidence that it exists.
Warning: Pregnant women are at very high risk of passing on DNA to their children.
Ilya Somin
Huh. When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it’s ‘artistic expression’. When I do it I’m ‘wasted’ and ‘have to leave Home Depot’.
It’s just one rule for the rich and another for the rest of us.
Some Wasted Dude
Turns out that when you are asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick from one of your own.
What’s the best drug to have sex on?
Birth control.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.
Child: “Mom, I’m afraid of dying.”
Mom: “Sweetie, it’s okay! It doesn’t happen until the very end of your life!”
I know I come off as very serious, but in fact I spend an inordinately large amount of time walking around the house making up songs about my dogs and singing them to them.
Seth Abramson
4yo: Turtles only eat lettuce.
Me: Okay.
4yo: I need some lettuce.
Me: [Hands him a tissue]: Here. Lettuce for your turtle.
4yo: THAT’S NOT REAL LETTUCE.
Me: THAT’S NOT A REAL TURTLE!
4yo: HE DOESN’T KNOW HE’S NOT REAL!
Me: IT’S... wait... that’s deep.
Elie Mystal
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was rerunning a job interview from over a decade ago. I was asked which words I would use to describe myself and I answered “erm, probably adjectives”. It only struck me hours later that that wasn’t what they’d meant.
@DatCatDer
The first rule of mansplaining is you do not back down and admit to mansplaining.
Kate Manne
How to find out if you're old:
Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.
…so I waited outside in my suit coat and tie, a costume I had assumed since I came to Washington, in order to move among the natives without being too conspicuous.
Richard Feynman
When old people say “Enjoy them while they are young.” they aren’t talking about your children, they’re talking about your knees.
Legend has it that my first spoken words were ‘Jesus Christ!’ In an exasperated tone.
Sarah Phillimore @SVPhillimore